Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
