I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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