I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
