Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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