She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
