god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
