; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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