one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
