if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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