You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize