I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize