What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
