I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
