"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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