my sisters under your porch take her home
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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