Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
