so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize