She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize