I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
