On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
