Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize