I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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