just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
