You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My vagina just clenched in fear
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
