I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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