alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize