the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
