My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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