Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
