the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
