my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
