is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
