so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize