Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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