Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think people are normalizing furries
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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