Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
