I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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