Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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