Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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