I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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