i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
