Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
