Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
