as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Randomize
