'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
