You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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