He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
