Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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