Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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