My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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