Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
