Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
