We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
