I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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