please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
