my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize